Inside Outside

This morning at church, one of the gentlemen who just got back from a short mission trim to Guatemala, shared a very interesting observation.  Here, in the U.S., most people who i've met, myself included, have a tendency to put on a picture of who they want everyone to believe they are, on the outside.  While on the inside, at home when no one's looking, there could be hell going on.  All the dark stuff is hidden.

The observation the man shared was that in the city they visited, the outdoors, the streets, were like a place of war.  Men who walked the streets openly carried automatic weapons and shotguns, to protect themselves, their homes, and their families.  But the homes, carefully guarded by iron gates and often, armed family members, were just the opposite of the streets.  They were places (at least the ones visited by this person) of peace.  They were clean and pleasant and full of helpfulness and encouragement.  The opposite of the streets.

This contrast spoke to me because of my recent determination to not be a person of facades.  My soul aches to present truth.  Even if that truth is ugly.  To be simple and transparent and pure.

I'm not sure exactly what i want to say about this.  But it spoke to me, and i wanted to share it.  There is a place and a reason for war and battling against the ugliness that wants to enslave.  (Getting deep here, i know.)  And i can fight for the right reasons if my inside, my secret place, is clean and transparent.

It's a beautiful picture.  I hope you get something out of it.

Now it's time for choir practice.  Possibly my favorite time of the week.

The Blessings of Early Morning

I have always been a person who enjoys the early morning.

But when you don't really need to be anywhere at any particular time, early morning can get away from you.

Now, that i leave the house earlier than i used to get out of bed, i have re-embraced, truly early mornings.

The blessings:

1.  Quiet.  It's like the air itself is quieter early in the morning.
2.  Happy chickens:  they love getting out at the very first crack of dawn.
3.  No hurrying:  I get up earlier than i have to because i love to be on time and hate to hurry.
4.  Time in God's word:  I am making a habit of having breakfast while reading His word.  That way my spirit and my body are fed at the same time.  This morning's (one of many) really awesome tid bit:

I shall run the way of Your commandments, For You will enlarge my heart.  Psalm 119:32

5.  It's 6am, and i'm ready to go, and it's not time yet, so i get to drop you a note.

Have a lovely day, my peeps.

What i have.

I have hesitated to write here lately.

My mind preoccupied (temporarily, i insist) with non wannabe-farmer information, i was afraid to bore you.

I was also afraid that i would lose readers because of the non-farmy writing.  After all, the big deal of "going to work" isn't exactly interesting to most of you.  I mean it's pretty normal, right?  Does doing what everyone else does while trying to do what everyone else doesn't qualify as interesting?

Then i realized that i was doing with this blog, exactly what i renounced in my daily life - performance.  I was seeking to give you what i think you're expecting, instead of giving you what i have and who i am.

Please accept my sincerest apologies.

And if this new phase of my life, a means to the same wannabe-farmer end, bores you, and you don't want to subscribe anymore, it's cool.  It just is what it is, and i'm cool with it.

And i'll keep givin' you what i have when i have it, and it will be real.

Good enough?

Cool.

******

Now, a few updates.

Car.

With the advent of becoming a two income family again, we knew that becoming also a two car family was going to make life a lot easier for both of us.  So we had started budgeting to take on a car payment (which we haven't had for more than two years) and deciding what kind of car to look for, etc., etc., blah blah blah. God's plans for me are so much better than mine.  A used car, in very good condition, seemingly fell into our laps on Friday.  We were able to pay cash and still have no car note.  God is so good!  It's very cute and sporty, and i love driving it.

And since we don't have to pick up a note, we will be able to do the maintenance needed to help it serve us another 15 years or so.  This whole thing is a great relief, especially to my super hero husband, who really didn't want another bill, and i'm pretty tickled too.

Work.

Work is not what i expected, exactly, but what ever is?  I like my position.  I like the work i have to do.  And i will like it all a lot better when i catch up.  That tends to always be the case when you're a government paper shuffler (the part about needing to catch up), but i think it's actually possible now.  I think i am going to enjoy my job.

Chickens.

My tiny flock seems to be much happier without the overcrowdedness they were enduring before, and when i get home from work in the evenings, the first thing i do is to let them out for a good run around the house before bed time.  Thankfully, with summer approaching, that "run" will be a few hours long in just very soon.  As i anticipated, i very much look forward to seeing my chickens in the evening.  They help me re-associate myself with the non-office me, and they always give me a smile when i watch them take off running aimlessly around the house.

Ducks.

He doesn't know this yet, but i'm pretty sure i can talk my benevolent super hero darling into a pair of muskovy ducks once we get settled in with our new schedule.  At least i'm hoping i can.

Bees.

Don't forget the bees.  They're coming, probably before the ducks.  

I think we'll be back to routine farmy-ness before we know it.  It'll just be a tighter schedule to keep it going.

Coffee.

In only three days, i have become newly enamored with that wonderful drink, early in the morning and on the way home in the evening.

Husband.

My super hero cooking husband has been fixing dinner and having it ready for me when i get home in the evening.  It is a great blessing to have a husband who understands the finer skills.

That is all of my random thoughts and updates for today.

Plans Smlans

If there's one thing i should know, it is that things change.  Especially plans.

For example, i thought and planned that i would never go back to work again, specifically not to the same job where i'm about to go.

My mom always told me to never say "never" to God.  My mom always knows what she's talking about.

And then when i decided i would go back to work for the exact same job i said i'd never go back to, i thought it would be next Tuesday.

This morning, i started feeling a little pre-panic about the idea of having only a week left at home to fuss over chickens and dishes and swept floors and crochet projects and . . .

I kept reminding myself that my life doesn't end when i go back to work.  That i will still come home and clean out chicken coops and doctor chickens and hatch eggs and crochet scarves and slippers and wash dishes and . . .

Then, this afternoon, after a lovely visit with an old friend -- and also my first crochet customer -- who i got to catch up with over a glass of tea, i got a phone call.  My new/old boss wants to know if i can come in sooner than Tuesday.  I said that i would talk to my hubby and get back to them.

And now, i am preparing to go to work tomorrow.

So much for my plans.

So i ironed some clothes and packed some lunches (for both of us) and did laundry and re-cleaned my kitchen and prepared my chickens to live without me and remembered that i have a crochet bag stashed in my vehicle 'cause i'm sneaky like that, and i set the coffee maker to make us some coffee at 4:00 a.m., and i went over the contents of my purse and . . .

Good grief.

Did i say 4:00 a.m.?

Yes, yes i did.

It' almost 10:00 p.m., which means i should not be talking to you right now.  But this mind isn't quite ready for sleep.  I imagine that will be different tomorrow night.  Ha!

You can make many plans, but the LORD's purpose will prevail.

~Proverbs 19:21~

HELLO lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo o o o o o o o

I must have mentioned that we're downsizing around here.

Yes, i definitely mentioned that.

I have just a little over a week before i start back to working away from home, and with no more slaughter dates in our near future, i was in a a minor pre-panic to "re-home" a grand slew of chickens, many of whom were raised for meat but whose slaughter dates had been lost in the proverbial black hole of our big transition.  I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but the point is that we needed them to move on.

Today, i was blessed with friends who came and hauled off most of the grand slew.  Followed by a neighbor who hauled off a 8 more, leaving 5 beautiful hens who are scheduled to go to their new home on Sunday, my two beautiful roosters (i may have mentioned them once or twice), Rocky and Edgar, and 9 Buff Orpingtons, who will be my new flock.

Nine.

A couple of months ago, i had almost ninety chickens.  That's ten percent.

I think my remaining chickens were at a loss for what to do this evening.  I found them all tucked away in chicken bed before it had even gotten dark outside.  The coop seemed empty in comparison to its recent capacity.

I imagine that it won't take them more than a couple of days to forget that they coop was ever more populated than it is right now, but when i went in to say goodnight (yes, i'm just exactly that sappy sometimes) my voice seemed to echo.  Obviously, only in my head, but still.

****

For those of you who are following this blog for its farming enthusiasm, here's the new plan.  I'm not just getting rid of chickens; i'm following  new strategy.  The chickens remaining (after i re-home all the mover-outers) will all be Buff Orpingtons, a very docile and very broody chicken breed, which we have always loved.  This will enable us to produce fertilized hatching eggs for possible sale, and pure bred B.O. chicks for sale, so we can support our chicken and egg habit.  That is to say, making these chickens pay for themselves.  As time goes on, we'll expand again, but possibly this time, we'll be a little more organized about it and make the chickens a little (or a lot) more self-sustaining.  The benefit in the mean time is that we will have a lot less chicken work to do, but we'll still be able to enjoy our chickens and our fresh eggs.

This evening, i listed Rocky and Edgar on just about every come-and-take-my-chickens list i could think of, but i haven't gotten any responses yet.

Anyone want some really gorgeous roosters?  The price is good.  The price could be really good.

Rocky. 

Edgar

$16.38

Ever since i was a little girl with my first lock-in-key diary, i have aspired to be a professional writer.  And a couple of years ago, when i became a stay at home wife, i decided to see what the interwebs would offer me in the way of freelance writing opportunities.

The answer was "not a lot."  But i did write four little articles for ehow.com.  When my royalties didn't add up fast enough, i lost interest and didn't pay attention to ehow anymore.  Until i started finding unexplained money in my paypal account, which i traced back to my ehow articles.

Well, while i wasn't paying attention, ehow did some business remodeling, and i am no longer allowed to write for them, mostly because i wasn't paying attention.  But my articles remain, and from time to time, i get a few dollars in my paypal account, thanks to the web surfers who click on them.

Well, the other day, i realized that i have become a professional writer, when i received in the mail a 1099 tax form for $16.38 in royalties, for writing.  That's it.  I'm a professional writer!

Funny enough, the article i wrote that appears to be earning me the most money, is thanks to my obsession with enjoyment of correct grammar.  It's my explanation of how to use their, they're, and there and my other best seller, how to use too, to, and two, that have won me all these riches.

I just thought y'all would like to know that i'm going to become famous for correcting other people's grammar.

I always thought it would be something more interesting.

Re I.D. Me (a deep and sappy blog post about how good God is)

Four years and some months ago, when i started blogging, i was doing it at a different address and with no thought of being a farmer anywhere in my scope, or my peripheral vision, for that matter.  My blog was called "Re I.D. Me," and it was born out of a hint of a clue that after nearly 30 years of intermittently "walking with God," i still had no idea what it really meant when church friends and mentors told me "you have to find your identity in Christ."  I knew how to say it, and i knew that i wanted it, but i didn't really know how i was missing it.

So the title of my blog was a prayer.  "God, please give me a new identity.  I don't know who i am.  Please help me know what it means to be a child of God, and what it means to have my identity in Christ."

The posts i wrote on that blog have now been incorporated into this one.  Some of them are vague and pointless, but they're what i said at the time, and they're here for posterity, if nothing else.  =)  The Re I.D. Me blog still exists; i just don't write on it anymore.  But the heading is still the cry of my heart, but today, from a new perspective.

Re-I.D. me

I started writing as part of the process of recognizing that my true identity is in Christ alone.I realize that to truly be a Christian, i must no longer continue to identify with whatever badge is hanging from my shirt.my identity cannot be found in the person who authorizes my pay check.who i am is ambassador for Heaven, child of God, and everything i do and all that i am must stem from that identity and none other. and to God i submit my life that He might shape it to conform to His desires.

Jump ahead:

Last week sometime, my gun slingin', good lovin', muscle bound, brainiac, super hero and i had a long heart-to-heart.  The kind of heart to heart that you have maybe once every five years.  The life altering kind of heart to heart, wherein you make decisions that are literally going to alter your proverbial path in life.  To make a very long conversation a lot shorter, and to possibly get to the point before this post becomes a novel, in order to affect all of the goals that i write about in the right hand margin of this blog, i volunteered to re-enter the work force, for an indefinite but temporary period of time.  If you can figure that out.  =)

O.k., i know that probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but to me, it was death.  Better lemme 'splain.

Back to the identity thing.

By exiting the traditional work force and becoming a stay at home wanna be farmer, i thought i escaped the trap i had been living in while i worked.  To be fair, the trap was my doing, not anyone else's, but i digress.  As much as i didn't want to be, i was defining myself by the opinions, or perceived opinions of others.  By the perceived values of my employers, by the opinions of my co-workers, by the impressions of people i interacted with because of my job, by whomever happened to be nearby.  And by leaving that world, i had no one but God and my husband and my chickens.  These were the only opinions i had to interact with.  And i slowly began to see myself as an individual and to be validated by God and to see His gifts and start to learn how to use them.  So something in my mind thought that returning to work would reverse all that.  That i would give up me.  That i would give up all the things that i love.  It was death.

Then God began to minister to my heart.  And He began to help me to see things differently.  That i don't have to be defined by all of those people whom i chose to be influenced by in the past.  I could keep my identity in Christ, even in the workplace.  Novel thought.

I started making rules for myself.  Identifying my self, and God's values, out loud.  Telling myself who i am.

Yesterday, i went for an interview, with my old boss.  And it was the first time that i can remember ever, sitting down with a prospective employer - or anyone of authority - and just being open and honest and not fashioning my answers after what i think this person wants to hear.  Just being myself.  At ease.  Not performing.  Completely validated by God, and thus not seeking the validation of any human being.

It was a miracle, the evidence of a transformation in me that i hadn't realized had been taking place.

Last night, i lay in bed, marveling at the work of God in my life.  Realizing that He answered that prayer, "God, please re i.d. me."  And the words of a song we sing in church became real to me.

The miracle of Christ in me 

is the mystery that sets me free. 

I’m nothing like I used to be. 

So open up your eyes; you’ll see.

Since the concept of having your "identity in Christ" might not be any clearer to you than it was to me a week ago, i thought i would attempt to explain it by sharing some of the things that are gone out of my life because of the work God has done.

I already told you about one, a little bit.

Interviews and authority figures.  As far back as i can remember, i have always gone into a tunnel visioned fog when speaking with those who were, or might be, evaluating me. When i tried to explain this to my husband, he related to what i was saying because he could remember feeling it once or twice when standing in front of a group of people, expected to speak, but unprepared.  That's exactly it.  I was performing.  And i was performing because i was counting on that person to validate me, and i didn't want them to see any of my flaws.  Consequently, i'm sure i was wholly unimpressive, but that's another story.  I remember freezing in front of authority figures, such as judges, completely unable to be myself, or carry on with normal conversation.  I was afraid they might invalidate me if i said something wrong.

Telling people what you think they want to hear.  This one is huge.  Looking back, i realize that this one blanketed nearly every facet of my life.  I am, by nature, an observer of people, and i have spent a great deal of my life, and wasted conversation, guarding my words to conform to what i believed was acceptable to my current audience.  Co-workers, church friends, random strangers, anyone.  This, first of all, is a way of lying to the entire world by not being honest about who you are and being the same person wherever you are.  And it is motivated by the desire to be liked.  By people.  Any people.  This has kept me from sharing Christ on numerous occasions and has simply caused me to keep myself hidden in a cloak of deceit, not just deceiving others, but also myself.

Identity by Occupation.  When i wrote the Re I.D. Me blog, i was a clerk for an elected official by day, and a waitress at Denny's by night.  No matter where you work, i think there is the idea that as an employee, you represent something specific.  A person, a company, an ideal, something.  This is the very biggest reason why i left the work force in the first place.  I knew that, as a Christian, i should represent Christ, but i couldn't figure out how to represent Christ while representing such-n-such elected official.  No matter what my blog said, i was continuing to find identity in my jobs.  I wanted to be validated by my success in my jobs.  I couldn't represent Christ because i didn't find my validation in Him, the only place where validation really can be found.

The Pain of Disapproval.  I can remember a few different times that i had a co-worker, a supervisor, or a boss, who disapproved of me.  First of all, this always shocked me, since i worked so hard to perform for my audience.  But it was also something i couldn't tolerate.  The unkind glance of a co-worker could send me to tears.  Now, working with those who disapprove of me, is an idea that doesn't really bother me.  Obviously, it's much more fun to work with people who think you're the best person in the world, but if they don't, it's o.k.  Because my value is not based on anyone's opinion but God's.  And i know it in my heart.  And it is planted there.

* * * * *

If you're wondering about that interview, i was offered a position on the spot.  It's the position i wanted, for more money than i expected, and all of my complications were accommodated for.  I was welcomed with open arms.  And yesterday, after discussing the whole matter thoroughly with my husband, i accepted the position.

Here are some of the rules, my rules.  I'm still a wanna-be-farmer.  And like many wanna-be-farmers who have gone before me, i am taking day job in order to facilitate the advancement of the farm.  I will still raise chickens and Lord willing, bees.  I am also not giving up on my Etsy store.  Crocheting is a skill i want to continue to use, maybe on breaks and lunches.  I don't have to give up everything i enjoy in order to go to work.  Because i still am who i am.  And that is that.  As i mentioned in previous posts, we are scaling way back.  We have sold the rabbits to a wonderful family who is able to give them much nicer accommodations than they have had here.  The same family got a couple of the chickens.  This week, i expect to sell/give away quite a few more chickens.  And in the end, i expect to have about 14 chickens, 2 roosters and 12 hens, which will seem like nothing in comparison to the enormous flock we have right now.  But they will be much easier to keep up with and clean up after and feed and whatnot.  They will probably also be happier with their less densely populated home.  I will continue to hatch baby chickens for others because i enjoy it and because i can and because it's just a great experience all around.  The farm is alive, but the farmers will have to farm in the evenings for a while.

I guess i will finish my novella now.  And if you endured that whole long story, i hope you were blessed by it.

Because Y'all Are My Favorites

Since y'all are my favorites, and because you read my posts, and because i don't want you to be left out of the loop, i want to let you know that our little farm is doing some downsizing, and that anyone who reads this blog and is interested in my rabbits or some of my chickens (not all of them) could very well get some pretty discounted prices on some additions to their own wanna-be farms.  I'm not a professional breeder or anything. I simply offer you sturdy, hearty stock that lay yummy eggs and make yummy meat and don't get sick easily.

Please keep in mind that i took these pictures today, one of the coldest days of the year for my poor Texan chickens, and they're kind of fluffed up and disliking the weather.

I have barn yard Rhode Island Reds, various ages

 a few Barred Rocks, about a year and a half old

and some black sex links

a male cockerel, about 20 weeks

female black sex link pullets

I also have some beautiful mixes that i call Terra Cottas, that are a mix between RIR and Buff Orpington. They're orange, and they're beautiful, and i love them, and i had planned to breed them to see if i could get them to breed true, but i am going to postpone that particular goal for a little while. I have a rooster and two pullets of this mix, and i would be honored if some reader of this blog wanted to take them and raise them and see if you can breed them true.  Or if you just want to take them and raise them and love them, that would be great too.

TerraCottas

This is Edgar.  You might remember him from his great escape and from the story about Lily and Edgar.

This is TerraCotta, a pullet who just started laying a couple of months before it got cold.

This is Penny, a pullet, who will start laying shortly after spring time arrives.  Isn't she lovely?

Don't forget the bunnies.

This is Oliver, the Flemish Giant x Californian buck.  He's about 9 months old.  Those dark markings go away during the warmer months, and he turns pure white. 

Oliver is very friendly and curious and thus difficult to get a good picture of.

This is dolly, a New Zealand doe.  She's around 17 months old.  She might be pregnant, but i don't think so. She's naturally timid, and thus takes great pictures.

She got a little curious about the camera.  What a funny face!  Haha!

This is Molly, my other New Zealand doe, the same age as Dolly.  She's a little bit more friendly than Dolly.

She had a little ear mite problem and scratched it.  That's why her ear looks that way.  Ear mites are easily taken care of with a little WD-40.  It's good for everything.

I'm not really inclined to ship any of these animals across the country, so in case there was any question, this offer is probably best meant for those who live in the southeast Texas area and will be able to come and pick up their new farm friends.

For those of you who live afar off, i hope you enjoyed the new pictures.

For anyone who's wondering what's wrong.  Nothing's wrong.  We're simply regrouping a bit, and i'll probably explain more about that at a later date.

To discuss the animals and directions and trades and whathaveyou, please  email me privately and write "Humble Ambitions" in the subject line.  Thanks!

Scarf

I was commissioned by a facebook friend to make a scarf.  I was given the parameters of multicolored, and "she's not picky," and this is what i came up with.  I have to say i'm kind of happy about how it came out.  It's 8 inches wide and 64 inches long (taller than i am).  I hope she likes it.  I am awaiting approval.  If she doesn't like it, however, i won't be heart broken.  I think i am definitely going to make more of these.  I really dig 'em.  And i may want one for myself.